Friday, April 20, 2012

Still Scared....

I have received many emails, cards, texts, etc. about how brave I am holding up with this.  Its just a face. I don't feel brave at all.  I am just coping day to day and sometimes even hour to hour.  I have read some disturbing things that have rattled me in recent weeks.....

I'm stage IV ocular melanoma mets to the liver - there isn't a stage V.....

I don't have 7 tumors, its really more like 12-15 tumors in all lobes of my liver (its difficult to tell exactly because of the grey color of the tumors and the liver).....

According to the Federal Disabilities website, I'm on the short - fast track, terminal illness list....

Even though my chemo dose was lessened, my triglycerides elevated slightly this past time (if they continue, I'm fearful of being taken off the trial)....if I get to stay in the trial, its indefinite until something else is created/discovered/concocted in the lab......I'm still really hopeful about this trial and drug and still feeling good that the small tumors are shrinking, but will feel better once the largest tumors stop growing.....

I am still working full time, which is great and helps a lot, but its getting harder and harder to not think about what is happening on a daily basis....

I've had a bad cough/cold for 2 weeks and having a hard time shaking it...

I'm in pain everyday now and sometimes I'm not sure what is worse, the pain or the way the medication makes my stomach feel....

I have John and he is my light each and every day.  My buckets of tears are never too much for him to take. He never tells me to stop crying or walks away because its too much.  He just empties the bucket, brings me more tissues and his strong arms to hold me.  John is there for my darkest moments, I guess that is what being married is all about.  This year will be 17 years for us and the third time we have faced cancer.  Sometimes I want to scream and say "haven't we had our share?"

I'm looking toward the future, but yes, I'm still scared and my bravery is sometimes - well most of the time - is only skin deep. 

Riding the train down to campus today for a meeting and some normalcy.  Holly, one of my dearest and oldest friends will be in town this Saturday.  I'm looking forward to watching her youngest son play in a tennis tournament.  Kelley, my niece, is coming over Saturday night for a sleepover.  Life is still really good. 

Love and Peace to my friends and family keeping up with me.  I know its a long haul and I thank you all for not giving up on me.

1 comment:

  1. I think its okay to be scared...and to not feel brave, I think it's what makes you human. Feeling fear for your life is something that should make you feel so ALIVE...but the fear should never control your life. Everyday you wake up and go about your life IS being brave. Many people give up on their lives, they can't control their fear, lose their strength so they just stop fighting. You don't do that. That's what makes you a fighter and whenever I see you..I can see it in your eyes.... so full of life. :)

    I'm so happy that you have your knight in shining armor by your side. Love and patience are a wonderful thing in a man...qualities to rarely find in a man. I'm sure you know that :) <3

    sending you cyber hugs Dr. Hallmark haha...can't wait for the real big warm hugs when I see you in person ^_^

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